My heart is heavy right now. I can feel it sliding down my diaphragm, pushing on my kidneys and my spleen. It is so heavy with want. It wants someone to give me tender words and hands, someone to teach it how to love so it will be safe and not have to harden because it fears being destroyed. But I have no tools to help me get what my heart needs. Nothing but distractions which from time to time cease to be enough, and then my heart begins to slide down, pulling on my esophagus as it goes, making my throat tight.

And inside I ask why this is so hard for me; complain that life is not fair. I wonder why it is so easy for some to love and be loved, and why it is something that remains for me out of reach. I get jealous of musicians singing songs of heartbreak because at least they know what this love thing means; they have rested in its hands.

I should go take some pills and let heavy chemical sleep lull this throbbing want. But it's only a matter of time before it is back again.