New year, new ?

It is 2009, the year I graduate, and I strangely feel like already so much has happened. I have changed the way I do my hair, taking the time to blow dry it smooth with a large brush, enjoying how I tame these wayward curls, enjoying an illusion of control. But I let myself go, too, bringing in the new year by kissing two (yes) guys on new year's eve. Through a haze of long island iced teas and patron, I wanted what I wanted, and I knew what that was. I wanted lips and tongues and hands and the skin of their necks. And so I got it.

Sometimes I think there's only a certain amount of control I can have in my life, and I think I'm ok with that.

And then there was a party I go to every year, full of people I never see again until the next winter. There was my old high school crush, looking amazing and keeping my wine glass full, talking to me long after I thought he would cease to be interested. But some things never change, because facebook tells me he is not single, though he acted like he did. They always do, with me. I think sometimes I have other woman written on my lips, the skin of my breasts, the phrase wafting out of my pores. And sometimes I'm ok with the attention this gets me, but mostly I want to be the original woman, and am ashamed for letting myself accept these table scraps of affection, and want to want more for myself.

This is scattered and strange like my thoughts about this year are. It is 2009. It is the year I graduate. I hold the year, 2009, in my mouth and it feels like marbles, big and smooth. My life is shapeless now, like this post. My plans drop off the edge of a cliff on May 24th. Where I live after that lies in darkness, that I only have a few months to illuminate. The very place where I will lay my head, I do not know.

So I'll start with small changes, like the way I do my hair. I will try to accept only what I deserve, and not let myself be comforted with what isn't real. I will reach out more in love to the place where I live. I will pour the love I carry with me out over everyone I see. I will be better, one step closer, every day and every year.